Rumsfeld Appoints Self Retired General; Rushes To Own Defense
Donald Rumsfeld, under fire from a platoon of retired generals who have called for his resignation, went on the offensive by appointing himself a retired general. Accompanied by a currently employed general, who, as the head of The Joint Chiefs Of Staff, is his usual sidekick, he stated, �As The Secretary of Defense, I think I should at least be on an equal footing with a retired general, and, after careful consideration, I decided to become one.� A reporter then asked, �As a retired general, what is your opinion on Donald Rumsfeld?� �I think he�s doing an outstanding job,� Rumsfeld replied. �In fact, I think, while I�ve said no one is indispensable, there�s always an exception to the rule.� �How about his handling of the war in Iraq?� another reporter queried. �What war in Iraq?� Rumsfeld countered. �The war in Iraq was over the day we pulled down Saddam Hussein�s statue. What�s going on now is the post-war recovery.� �There are some who say you underestimated the resources that would be required in the post-war period. Can you comment on that?� �As a retired general, the post-war scenario is not my specialty. On the other hand, as The Secretary of Defense, I can say that, while I used all of my absolutely first-rate foresight, I am not clairvoyant. Therefore, I could not know beforehand how many Sunnis, who had it better under Saddam�s tyranny, would rather destroy their own country than live in peace with the Shiite majority. Since I couldn�t know that the two warring Muslim factions would destabilize their own country, I could not possibly anticipate how much stabilization we�d have to try to establish. Nor could I anticipate how many members of al-Qaeda would come rushing in and try to turn the self-destabilized country into the next frontier of their suicidal goal of establishing a pan-Arab medievalist Islamic tyranny.� �Would you change anything in hindsight?� another reporter asked. �Of course, I would. Like everybody else, I do have clairvoyant hindsight. First, I would have made myself a retired general a long time ago, so I could have been the first one to stand up for myself, instead of taking all the potshots I�ve had to before I realized how to deflect them. Second, during the invasion, I would have dropped a ton of leaflets on Iraq that predisposed the population to peace.� �What kind of leaflets?� a reporter asked. �Ones we would have, at that early date, been able to translate into their language with an Iraqi-English dictionary: Shiite + Sunni = Nice Peaceful Country. Shiite � Sunni = Lots of Dead People.� �Do you think those leaflets would have made a difference?� a reporter asked. �Of course. While no leaflet is indispensable, it would have helped these warring factions realize if you can�t live in peace with each other, you can�t do anything together except kill each other.� The final question came from a reporter, who asked, �Do you plan to retire?� �You missed the point,� Secretary Rumsfeld replied. �I already retired. How do you think I became I retired general.� �I mean, do you intend to retire as Secretary of State?� �I think one retirement every decade or so is plenty, don�t you?�
