Pat Robertson Confesses! God Upset With Him; Tells Him He Lost His Mind
In the wake of having reported that God told him Tsunami-like storms were likely to hit the U. S. coasts this year, Pat Robertson appeared on his TV program visibly shaken, and announced, �God has told me something else, and it�s something I didn�t want to hear. He said, �Pat, you lost your mind.� �Naturally, I was surprised and asked why he would ever think such a thing of me. �God went on to ask, �Did you report that I told you America should assassinate Hugo Chavez, the leader of Venezuela?� �'Yes, I did,' I confessed. ��And did you recently tell people I told you that this year I�m going to send fearsome storms to batter the coastlines of America?� �'Yes, I did,' I confessed again. ��But, Pat, ask yourself, if I�m the benevolent being people expect me to be, how could I have said those terrible things?� �You mean, you didn�t say them?' I asked. "�Heck, no! I�ve got my reputation to consider. What I actually told you is, on the first point, that America should invite the President of Venezuela to Washington to talk things over.� �'You did?' I replied, swallowing hard. ��Yes, Pat. And on the second issue, I told you I felt Katrina was enough of a Category 5 hurricane for the time being and I intended to hold off on such destructive whirlwinds for years to come.' �'Really?' �'Yes, Pat. But what has happened? You misheard every message I delivered. Now, since I know you would much prefer to be my dutiful servant, I can only assume you�ve lost your mind.� �Yep,� Pat continued to his enthralled audience, �that�s what God told me and, let me tell you, His mighty words gave me pause. So I said, �In the future I�ll listen more carefully.� �But God wouldn�t have anything to do with that. He was just too upset with me. ��I appreciate your good intentions, Pat, but I can�t take anymore chances. My reputation is already too damaged.� �Then the Lord told me the most hurtful thing I can imagine." ��Pat, I�m not going to show up and talk to you anymore.� "�Oh, God, no, please,� I told him. �I�ll listen to your every word more carefully with all my heart and mind.� "�I know you�ll have the best of intentions, but, I regret to say, the next time we talk is when you arrive at the Pearly Gates. I have to find somebody to appear to who can get the story right. But listen to me, Pat. If you do exactly as I say, I, in my infinite mercy, will forgive your every misinterpretation. And here is what I say. If you ever think I told you something in the future, tell yourself it can�t be true and you made it up. Do you hear me, Pat?� ��Yes, God,� I told my Lord and Master. �Not only that, I apologize for any damage I might have, through no conscious intent, done to your magnificent and forever undamaged reputation.' ��Good, Pat, good,� God told me, and put out His hand. ��I look forward to seeing you again in ten or twenty years.� ��Thanks, Your Worship, see you then,� I told Him. �Then we shook hands and he disappeared. �So let me just announce to my faithful listeners, that�s it, folks. I won�t be making anymore announcements about what God told me. I have gotten the message from on high that I am now out of personal communication with the Infinite. From now on I am as much a creature of the finite world as you all are. �And I am confident that, because of this decision, God loves me and you more than ever. So please donate more generously than ever."
