Bush Reveals New Missile Defense; Guides Weapon Back To Launching Pad
Rest easy, America, even when you contemplate the abbreviated flight of North Korea�s errant but someday, they hope, long-range Taepodong 2 missile � a name that, should the nation ever decide to enter the capitalist hustings, doesn�t sound like a very promising appellation for a new car. In the wake of the miscalculated launch of seven missiles by North Korea, including a Taepodong 2, President Bush told reporter Larry Wing in an exclusive interview, �We�ve got a missile defense system that will defend our country. We don�t just shoot down the enemy missile. We guide it back to where it came from. So anybody who launches a missile at the United States of America better clear out, because soon it�ll be on the way back at them, point first.� The revelation of the innovative missile defense system stunned Mr. Wing. �I thought we were still trying to perfect the star wars system initiated by President Reagan, where, if we�re lucky, we can at least shoot down an enemy missile. But guide it back to the launching pad? This is the first time I�ve heard of it.� �Well, Larry, as you know, I�m the President, and as such I get to hear about things like this even before a fine and flattering reporter like you does.� �I�ll say,� Larry Wing commented. �Mind if I ask how it works?� �I don�t have a clue,� Bush said, �but the military has assured me that we�ve got the capability.� �When was work on this new missile defense launched?� Mr. Wing queried. �Actually, I get all the credit,� Bush said. �How�s that?� Mr. Wing asked, startled. �I didn�t know you�re a missile defense kind of guy.� �I�m not, technically speaking. But I was spending so much money in Iraq one of our more reflective missile techs got to thinking, why just blow a missile up in the middle of the air and waste all that explosive power. Think of the money we�d save if we could just turn the payload around and send it back at the enemy. Once he had the idea, I understand he was able to devise the joystick program to guide it in less than five minutes.� �Really? And how reliable is this new system?� �All I can tell you is, developing missiles is not the way for anymore counties to go. They�re wasting their time and, in light of our new missile defense, they�re actually, in you think about it, indirectly aiming their missiles smack dab at themselves. Now, that�s what I call a deterrent.� �I�ll say,� Mr. Wing replied. �I wonder how North Korea and Iran will respond to this news?� �I think they�ll take notice,� he said. �And anything that makes America safer is something I�m for, especially when it also saves on the cost of TNT or enriched uranium. The only more economical thing I can think of would be to guide the missile to one of our air force bases for a soft landing, so we could just point it back at the enemy for future use. If one of our technical boys figures out a way, I�ll get credit for that idea, too, because right now is the first time I thought of it. And you�re my witness, right?� �Yes, sir,� Larry agreed. �Wow, with an innovative president like you in the Oval Office, I sleep a lot better at night.� �Thank you. Frankly, I�m awake all night. But I do spend a good deal of time sleeping during the day.� With that, his eyes glazed over and then dropped shut. �Mr. President?� Wing asked. �Oh, Mr. President?� But the Pres did not stir. So Mr. Wing turned to the camera and said, �I guess that�s it, folks. I can interview anyone, but even I have a tough time when my guest conks out.�
